Exorcist – the Brewdog remake

(This was something I came up with for fun one night. Sadly, we never got the chance to film it, but who knows, maybe one day…) If the format below gives you sore eyes, here’s a PDF

EXORCIST – THE BREWDOG REMAKE (running time: 3.5mins approx)

CAST:
Priest 1
Priest 2
Pinty/Possessed – someone wearing the 6ft pint outfit I have
Wife of Pinty

SHOOTING LOCATIONS:
Pub Exterior (night)
Pub Interior
Street (night)
Across from Wellpark Brewery (night)
House – bedroom
House – loft
House – hall
Glasgow Underground

EXTERIOR – STREET – ACROSS FROM WELLPARK BREWERY
A priest is walking along the street, but something feels off to him. He stops a couple of times and then keeps walking and stops again. As he stops, he turns to face this massive monolith lager silhouette and as we fade away, we get the impression that all is not right with the world. That a great evil is coming.
(basically nicking, sorry, homaging the opening Iraq scene from the Exorcist but doing it in silhouette)

INTERIOR – PINTY HOUSE – NIGHT
The Wife of the house is sitting at a table playing a game – let’s make it Scrabble with a bunch of BrewDog related phrases for Easter Egg-fun – when in walks Pinty holding a board.

PINTY: HEY, I FOUND THIS OLD OUIJA BOARD. LET’S PLAY!
Wife clears the table and looks up enthusiastically.
WIFE: OK

The couple start to play about, using an old beer bottle for navigating, then the wife decides to give it a real test
WIFE: LET’S SEE IF THE SPIRITS CAN ANSWER A REAL QUESTION
PINTY: DOES MY HUSBAND LOVE ME MORE THAN REAL BEER?

Glass pings to NO. Wife gives it another go.

WIFE: DOES MY HUSBAND LOVE ME MORE THAN ADDITIVE-FILLED LAGERS?

Glass shoots to YES

The couple laugh as we fade to black on them and go to
EXTERIOR – NIGHT – PUB
Establishing shot as we cut inside to TWO PRIESTS, one of whom is the priest from earlier.
INTERIOR – PUB
PRIEST 1: I’M TELLING YOU JACK, I’M LOSING MY FAITH…
PRIEST 2: YEAH?
PRIEST 1: YEAH, MY FAITH IN GETTING A GOOD PINT
Priest 2 smirks as Priest 1 carries on…
PRIEST 1: WHAT’S GETTING PUT IN PINTS THESE DAYS IS GIVING ME SOME WEIRD DREAMS.
As we CUT to Priest 1’s dream where he is just walking along the street and he stops to stare at an underground as we see something come up the subway but we suddenly CUT to a subliminal of the BrewDog logo and when we come back we see Pinty walking down the stairs again – just glimpsed at each point as he came up the stairs and down the stairs. Basically riffing off the famous Exorcist subliminal.
PRIEST 2: Enough. Let’s call it a night and head off.

EXTERIOR – STREET – NIGHT
As we CUT to the two priests walking off, along a street (possible moment for some music?) and as we get them along a street, the WIFE from earlier comes running out into the street screaming. She spots the priests and runs to them.

WIFE: OH THANK GOD. HELP ME PLEASE
PRIEST 1: WHAT’S UP?
WIFE: IT’S…IT’S MY HUSBAND. SOMETHING’S HAPPENED TO HIM…
As the wife points to the bedroom of their house where the lights are flickering ominously.
The two priests look to each other as the familiar music kicks in…
The wife leads the two priests into the house.

INTERIOR – HOUSE
The wife is leading the priests to the upper staircase, outside the bedroom
WIFE: IT ALL STARTED WITH OUR LOFT. THERE WERE NOISES COMING FROM IT
As we CUT to another flashback of Pinty going up the loft.
INTERIOR-LOFT
Pinty’s head has a look around. Nothing. And he ducks back down, buuut….
We see at the back of the loft, there’s a beer bottle. Nothing too menacing, but something doesn’t seem right.
And we then come back to now as the priest goes up the ladders, in what is going to be a shameless rip of the ALIENS moment with Hicks.
Priest 1 looks around the loft, shining his torch as he goes. All seems fine, until his eyes rest on something and they go wide with terror. He sees a bunch of beer bottles all very close and with deadly intent on their faces (well, if they had faces)
And then one chinks into another… and another… and they all start to clink as we start to hear a maniacal laugh from downstairs.

INTERIOR-HALL
The priest comes down the ladders as quick as he can with the growing loudness of the bottles rattling replaced by this maniac laughter.
WIFE: HELP US FATHERS! PLEASE!
Priest 1 looks to priest 2 solomnly
PRIEST 1: WE’VE GOT TO SAVE THIS MAN’S BEER SOUL

INTERIOR-BEDROOM
The priest’s look solemnly at each other and walk into the room – and they gasp at what they see.
There, lying on the bed, green pea soup all around is Pinty, looking the worse for wear. Lying on the bed moaning in tongues. But that doesn’t deter the priests as they pull their priestly kit out of the man bags and set about it, one on each side of Pinty, holding bottles of what looks like holy water.
Both priests start chanting latin – we can just make this up – and flicking holy water on him, but it’s having no effect. And then he sits up with a start, giving the priests a fright.

PINTY: YOUR MOTHER SUCKS STELLA IN HELL
And he then grabs a beer bottle bottle to recreate another classic moment from the film
PINTY: LET LAGER FUCK YOU
Horrified, the priests beat a retreat – but as they retreat, they see something even more terrifying. Pinty actually starts to levitate off the bed and up towards the ceiling (again, ripping off that moment from the film)
The priests get back into the hall as the cackling laughter and clinking bottles start up again…evil has truly triumphed.

INTERIOR-HALL
PRIEST 2: WHAT CAN WE DO? WHAT COULD CAUSE SUCH MADNESS IN A MAN? SPIRITS?
WIFE: HE’S NOT A VODKA OR WHISKY DRINKER FATHER. BUT THIS ALL STARTED WHEN WE PLAYED SPIN THE BOTTLE.

Two priests look at each other, eyebrows raised.
WIFE: WITH AN OUIJA BOARD. WE USED A BEER BOTTLE. LET ME GO GET IT.

Wife runs down stairs, comes back with beer bottle, hands it to priest.

PRIEST 2: THIS EXPLAINS IT! THIS LAGER IS FULL OF UN-NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL INGREDIENTS AND THEY’VE POSSESSED HIM.
WIFE: BUT CAN YOU SAVE HIM? CAN YOU MAKE HIM THE MAN HE WAS?
PRIEST 2: YES. THERE IS A WAY…
As we fade out…

INTERIOR-HALL
…only to fade back in on the priests entering the room to a cackling Pinty.
PINTY: THIS BODY IS MINE NOW! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
As the priests go to either side of the bed.
PRIEST 1: FOUL AND UNNATURAL DEMON, LEAVE THIS MAN AND LEAVE HIM IN PEACE
Pinty – now sitting up – then does the other famous moment from the scene – the 360 rotation – and then spews pea soup over someone
PRIEST 2: ENOUGH!
PRIEST 1: BEGONE FOUL CREATURE
As the priests whip out their secret plan – a bottle (each) of BrewDog – get a good close up of this – and they start to spray it onto Pinty

PRIESTS (BOTH): THE POWER OF BREWDOG COMPELS YOU
PRIESTS (BOTH): THE POWER OF BREWDOG COMPELS YOU
PRIESTS (BOTH): THE POWER OF BREWDOG COMPELS YOU
PRIESTS (BOTH): THE POWER OF BREWDOG COMPELS YOU
PRIESTS (BOTH): THE POWER OF BREWDOG COMPELS YOU
PRIESTS (BOTH): THE POWER OF BREWDOG COMPELS YOU

As this is happening Pinty is screaming how it burns and he’s levitating up and down and the lights are flashing on and off.
And then silence. And then the lights go on.
As the wife bursts in.

WIFE: WHAT HAPPENED? IS IT OVER?
PRIEST 1: YES. YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD BE FINE NOW. THE UNNATURAL IS GONE. BUT TO WARD OFF EVIL SPIRITS AND UNNATURAL INGREDIENTS HE SHOULD ALWAYS WEAR THIS…
As priest 1 slaps a BrewDog tattoo on Pinty

PRIEST 1: AND SO SHOULD YOU
As he slaps one on the wife’s forehead.

As the priests then get ready to leave, the wife gives Pinty a cuddle.

PINTY: HOW CAN WE EVER THANK YOU?
PRIESTS: JUST DRINK BREWDOG. THAT’S ALL THE THANKS WE NEED.

INTERIOR-HALL
As the priests walk down the stairs chatting to each other

PRIEST 1: YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK A BIT LIKE BOGART
PRIEST 2: YOU NOTICED.
As we fade out to Tubular Bells and then change to Fantasia for Strings (now there’s an Easter Egg for fans) as up comes THE END